To the new students at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary,

I am so glad you are here.

You might be hearing that a lot over the next couple of weeks, and I hope you know it’s authentic. It would be impossible for you to know (yet) what it means for you to join our community and begin your own personal journey at this school. It’s the sort of thing that won’t really hit you until somewhere between midterms and finals of your second semester. You’ll be stressed out, tired, and longing for the end of your first year but in the midst of that, you’ll look around and recognize for the first time your fellow students as family and you’ll look down at your work and wonder how it is you have learned so much in just a few short months.

As a third year student, my hopes for you are bred from my own personal journey of my first two years at APTS. From day one, this school was a gift to me; an unexpected, mysterious, supportive gift. The last two years have brought about more spiritual, theological, vocational, and relational challenges and growth than I could have ever foreseen as a Junior. These experiences are irreplaceable and simply could not have happened at a different school – not for me and my individual story.

I don’t mean to make it sound like utopia. Classes are hard, schedules are overwhelming, your friends will get on your nerves, and like any institution, APTS has faults. I love this school, and because of that, I have no trouble voicing a few things that could be done better. I still have another year here myself and I expect my relationship with the school to continue to push me and me to push the school. Sometimes this hurts and sometimes it disappoints.

APTS is not utopia, but it is good.

You can find a family here, if you want to. You can be who you are here – who you really are – and we will really love you as that person. You will mess up. So will I. But we manage to reconcile, to learn and to continue living in community. That’s why I love this place.

My favorite image of this is our mid-week Manna. Instead of having chapel, we gather together in McCord, eat, laugh, play and simply enjoy the company of one another – students, faculty, and staff. Many times over the past two years I have found myself at the back during Manna just looking at what’s happening in the room. Even though people argued with each other this week, feelings were hurt, people were silenced, and even though some people are hanging on to life by a very thin thread because of that paper that just refuses to be written, there is togetherness. And this year, you will be a part of that togetherness.

Your individual personality will bring something very particular to our school. Don’t think for a second you are just another new student. You add something to our community that no one else in any of the three classes can bring. And that’s why I can’t wait to meet you, to get to know you, and to see what it is about you, that makes you you.

I wonder: How will you change? How will you grow? Will you fall in love with this school as I have? Will you want to challenge it to grow and become even better as I do? Will we see eye to eye or will we have tough discussions that challenge us both? Will you find theology, hermeneutics, or scripture to be your niche? I can’t wait to find out.

I hope you will be open to the ways this place – the academics, the people, the space it provides, the carved out time with the Divine – can transform.

You are beginning a wild journey – but not alone. Like it or not, you are in this with your class, with the faculty, and with the two the classes ahead of you and the two classes to come behind you. Together, we journey, together we grow.

I am so glad you are here.

With hope for all that is to come for you,
Mary Ann Kaiser
Senior

To the one who wonders if God is in control,

A friend of mine requested I write to you. She asked me in the midst of a week that felt particularly out of anyone's control. A friend of the WATER office died unexpectedly, I was invited to be the research assistant for a scholar whose work I really respect, and my time at WATER was slipping quickly through my fingers. The highs and lows of life, packed into each and every day feel anything but controlled.

So my immediate thought was to write and tell you, no, God is not in control. There is no man in the clouds, looking down upon you with clipboard in hand, making sure the right things happen at the right time. If that were the case, I'm sure you, like me, would have a lot of words for that God. I'd ask you to consider the question of theodicy - how God can be good and be in control when there is so much evil in the world. I'd draw out several examples of life situations that illustrate a lack of control of any good God. I'd ask you to consider how such a belief would keep you from living fully into yourself. How it might limit your own growth and agency. Easy peasy - next topic?

But wait.

If the all powerful, male cloud dweller isn't in control, who is?

I'm going to assume you've had enough surprises (for better or worse) in life to recognize you are not ultimately in control. I'm going to assume you are the primary agent of your own life - you make your own decisions (though are influenced by a loving community - ahem), you choose your own path, yada yada yada. I hope this is true. But we are still left with the reality that beyond our own decisions, life has a way of unfolding in many, many unexpected ways.

So where is God in all of this?

Hm. Maybe it is not so easy to explain after all.

I suppose my most honest answer would begin with a rejection of the man in the sky and an affirmation of the Divine. There is a mystery to life that seems to unfold with purpose, but not a purpose easily defined.

I don't think "everything happens for a reason." I don't think there is an end goal, a plan, an intended result for every life experience.

But there is God. Always. In every surprise. In every celebration, in every tragedy, there remains God.

If by "control" you mean "making particular results occur," I would say no, God is not in control and that's a good thing because it would be real hard to maintain belief that God is good and hard to break away from the cloud dweller image. On the contrary, if by "control" you mean "the power to influence," then I would passionately respond "yes, I believe God is in control." The Divine is always urging us and assisting us to move in the direction of love, community, and the flourishing of life, in and through the surprising circumstances of life. God connects us with one another, with other creatures, with the natural world we live in. God shows us the strength, courage, passion we all hold within. This sort of control does not prevent bad things from happening in life. Tragedy is inevitable. Surprises are a guarantee. But this sort of control also promises that goodness remains even when we cannot see it, we can when we think we can't, and even when we feel alone, we are always a part of a community.

I hope you find this as hopeful as I do.

A fellow questioner,
Mary Ann

To my latent creativity,

When I heard that our monthly liturgy at WATER would involve clay, I had hoped you would come. This morning, I eagerly pondered the possibility of your presence.

I often spend time reminiscing about our past relationship. As a kid, I would spend all day working on a single drawing. In middle school, I learned how to make collages and decided everything would look better with a collage on it. In high school, I discovered Modge Podge and poured my heart into making tacky (but good intentioned!)gifts for my friends. In college, I dared to take drawing and sculpture classes. And creative writing - where I had to read my poetry...in front of people.

I played the clarinet in middle school, sang in high school, and tried to teach myself the guitar along the way.

I was pretty terrible at absolutely all of the above. I have nothing to show for any training I have had artistically. Yet, in all of those efforts, I connected with you, my creativity, and I was fulfilled.

Once I finally became aware of my overall lack of artistic talent, I stopped trying these things. I became more embarrassed of my ugly piece of pottery and less grateful for simply being in the creative process. Ever since, I have been longing to re-connect with you. There is a piece of me which I am unable to express or explore through language and I crave the chance to draw it out, carve it out, or play it out on some sort of instrument - but I'm not "good" at these things.

At our liturgy this evening, there was no pressure to be "good" at making anything out of the clay in front of us. Just an invitation to connect with you, my creativity. What a gift.

In the past, had I set out to make a bowl (especially around others who would see said bowl) I would have worked desperately to figure out a "new way" to make the bowl. It must be original! But tonight, I learned to be less concerned with a final product and more concerned with the simple process of connecting with my creative energy, learning about myself and life in the process.

It felt so good to have clay in my hands. To feel it. To get it on my clothes and not care.

It felt great to journey inwards in the process of making my bowl. It was like my soul went to the spa.

For so long, I have been waiting to find something that I am good at so that I could again engage with you, my creativity. But it turns out that has been the very barrier to our relationship. I'm not artistically talented (and that's okay!) - but I am creative, like every other human being. So to hell with a "good" final product. Let's meet again real soon and finger paint or something.

Refreshed,
MAK

To Whom It May Concern at Berjuan Toys,

Props.

Props to you and all of the controversy being stirred up about your "Breast Milk Baby." I'm really glad to see the uproar, to be quite honest. Breastfeeding is a topic which needs to be discussed and this seems like a fine enough platform.

I was introduced to your doll through this Fox News clip. I found Dr. Keith Ablow's response to the doll so disturbing I did some more research and found that many people are in agreement with him.

There are three main complaints people are making in reference to your doll which encourages children to mimic breastfeeding. They are centered on three claims.

1. The doll is blurring lines between children and adults.
2. It's contributing to the sexualization of children.
3. It's weird.

Your response has been something like, "really, America?" I like your response.

In regards to the first claim, I can only laugh. People are okay with buying their children dolls...which are pretend babies. Children want to carry around babies because they are pretending to be the parents...intentionally blurring the lines between children and adults. That's exactly why children play with dolls. This seems simple to me. The same goes for the ways children pretend to be doctors, cooks, ministers (yes, some children do that!), or teachers. Pretending to be an adult, and do adult things, as a child, is healthy.

"But breastfeeding is different," people are saying. But that's probably because they are also making the second claim, that the doll is contributing to the sexualization of children. This is absurd. There is nothing sexual about feeding a child. The problem is that our culture has so oversexualized breasts that even their primary purpose as a means of nourishing human life has become taboo. America does not understand that this is strange - that America is weird for thinking this way.

For some reason we don't think it's sexual when our pet dog is feeding her little pups. We don't think there's anything sexual about the gallons and gallons of milk we drink that comes from a cow's breasts. Suddenly, however, it is a sexual act when a woman feeds her child? Or when a child simulates his/her mother? Again, this does not make sense to me.

Further, if America is concerned about the sexualization of children (as America SHOULD be) then perhaps we should start paying more attention to baby dolls that wear high heels and/or make-up. Or to the fact that people still get away with child pornogrophy. Or maybe we should do something about all of the ads that continue to infantalize women because (gasp!) these issues are intertwined.

As for the third claim, I would say, "grow up."

I digress. Berjuan Toys, I am excited that your doll will be entering the US. There are so many perks for both babies and mothers involved in the breastfeeding process that I hope this will encourage both little boys and girls to support/engage in breastfeeding if they have their own children. You have created a toy that encourages children to engage in a healthy activity later in life. That's refreshing.

Thank you and keep on, keepin on.
Mary Ann

My Dearest Mother Monster,

This is a hard letter to write. I'd much rather pretend everything is okay between us, but being that we both value authenticity, there's no hiding my feelings.

Lest you believe I am judging you too quickly, I want you to know that I have been a strong supporter of your work. When my friends make pejorative comments about your music replicating Madonna's or only being more "silly pop music," I don't let it slide. No, instead I point people to the way you have used your talent and resulting power for good. I remind them that you encouraged young people to engage politically when it came time to repeal DADT. I tell people about the time I went to the Monster Ball and you spent fifteen minutes preaching about Jesus' love for EVERYONE. I encourage people to do a little more research about the vision behind your brilliant videos and to listen a little closer for a powerful spirituality weaving in and through your lyrics. I do this because I believe you are doing very good things. (My friend even had a dream the two of us went to defend you in front of the Pope. I would if I could!) A few of those I have shared with have changed their minds about you or at least apologized for making ignorant statements about your work. Gaga evangelism has been mostly a success.

More recently, I have even begun sticking up for you as a self-proclaimed feminist. Your new album and the biting off of that barbie head at your show both support your identity as a feminist. You break out of the boundaries that patriarchy has tried to create for you, providing an example for other women to be strong and confident. Your reclaiming of the word "bitch" has been fantastic (though, you used it pejoratively once at your show - which was confusing). Of course, I have had my hesitations about your feminist claims here and there but I have mostly been able to point to a diversity of feminist opinions to quell my anxiety. Last night, however, my paw (normally, up, up, up) came crashing down.

I don't want to jump to conclusions. I would love to chat over tea and hear your perspective on this decision, but when I saw you reference with excitement that you are a "big fan" of Howard Stern and would be spending time on his show, I felt...betrayed.

You know he is grossly misogynistic...right? That he, for so many years, has been objectifying women's bodies in an incredibly degrading fashion...on his show...of which you are a "big fan." I don't think I need to explain why it hurt so much to hear you refer to yourself as a big fan. A big fan?! How can I continue to advocate for you as a feminist, having no clue why you would claim such a thing? I am confused, Gaga. This claim of yours has made me doubt the faith I have put in you. I wish you would explain!

My dear, I want to tell you to "express your womankind, fight for your right!"

A confused little monster,
Mary Ann

Dear Rabbi Joshua Hess,

I just read the article you wrote called "U.S. Women's Soccer and the Problem of American Exceptionalism." It's clear you don't like soccer. Or women's sports. Not so subtle comments about this "boring, low-scoring game" which is not "a real man's sport" alongside absolutely zero positive comments about these women's achievement reveal your true feelings about women's soccer. That's fine.

And I do appreciate you pointing out that much of America is only concerned with women's soccer because they are doing so well. That's probably true. America certainly has a winning-complex and an unhealthy and destructive drive to be "the best."

Yet, this is not why many American women are thrilled about today's game. It is not because they have become "the darlings of our country (seriously?!)" or because baseball doesn't start until September.

My own excitement stems from the fact that I am a woman, and I played soccer, and I love the sport. (This is sufficient reason to care.) I started in fifth grade, played on rec teams until high school where soccer became the center of my existence. I might not have been the best player, but I worked hard and loved it. I watched it, played it, lived and breathed it. When I was a senior in high school, I went on a road trip with a fellow player to meet my heroine, Brandi Chastain, and have her sign my captain band. That was an incredible day.

As you may know, Brandi Chastain scored the winning goal of the 1999 Women's World Cup. Unfortunately, many people only know that because she removed her jersey afterwards revealing her (gasp!) sports bra on the field. How many times I have heard her referenced solely for the fact that her shirt was removed, I cannot begin to count. Not surprisingly, her success (and to some extent, the entire team's success) was co-opted by the objectification of Brandi Chastain. She, and that win, will always be remembered by many only because she removed her shirt. This is tragic, but not surprising. We could never let strong, successful women get away with just being strong and successful. We need a little sexual objectification just to keep things in order.

Needless to say, I didn't need her to sign my captain band because she removed her jersey. I wanted her to sign my band because she kicked ass on the field. And I wanted to do that too.

That was the last Women's World Cup. This is another shot, another opportunity for women to excel and just maybe, not be objectified or co-opted. Many American women are excited about today's game for very different reasons than the "need to win."

Let's start with the fifth grade girl who plays on a rec team. Her male friends make fun of her sport because "girls don't play real soccer." Or she's on a co-ed team and the boys always apologize to her if she gets knocked down because "girls can't play rough." Today, that girl is beaming with pride. Today, she will watch her heroine kick-ass and believe a little more in herself.

Then there's the high school soccer girls. No one cares about their sport at school. Maybe a few close friends come to their games but mostly, no one notices their hard work, their sweat and bruises, perseverance and passion. Who cares about women's soccer? Today, our whole nation is watching.

Or take us retired players. We are reminded of the glory of the "good old days." Watching these women play connects us with our own achievements - whether we won or lost.

And even more so, let's consider women and girls who may not even play soccer. We are excited because America will be supporting a group of incredibly talented women who do not fit the stereotypical idea of what a woman should look like, act like, or do with her life. We rejoice in the opportunity to watch women excel at something without (hopefully) being objectified or co-opted by male counterparts. Today, the US Women will be sweaty, strong, aggressive, dirty, angry and proud - characteristics which are generally off-limits for American women.

You are convinced that no one will care after the game is over, especially if we lose. But that's because to you (and to many), it's just another sport - a woman's sport - that usually doesn't matter. This is unfortunate - for you and for women's sports.

I'll be at Biergarten Haus on H St. watching the game with other women and men who genuinely love the sport. I wish you could join us. I'm certain you'd do a re-write of your article.

I'll have a beer for you.
Mare - #6, Sweeper.

Dear Readers,

Greetings! I am excited to begin writing again though I must admit I'm a fickle person. It might not be best to see this first letter as any sort of commitment between us. I'm really good at beginning new blogs only to leave them in the dust of busyness. I apologize in advance if this is the beginning of a very short relationship.

I have chosen to create this blog as a source of letter writing in hopes of having a space to feel the freedom to write without need of meeting any academic criteria. On my way home from New Jersey this week I was reading Mary Daly's Outercourse and felt a need to write her in order to process my thoughts about her work. It was a great experience. So I thought, "why not write more letters?"

Regardless of (or perhaps, along with) my fervent affirmation of creaturely finitude, I believe we can occasionally transcend the limits of time and space. Letter writing is one way I like to think we do that. On this blog, I expect to connect with people of the past, the present and somehow, those to come. I also hope to connect with you. We're all just having one big conversation. (BYOB!)

I have started and stopped a few blogs over the past two years mostly because I am afraid of you, my readers. The last time I blogged reguarly I had a great base of people I was in conversation with and it was a wonderful year of journeying together. But since, I have experienced many new things which have transformed my worldview (and hence, my spirituality). I am afraid you will not like the ways I have changed over the years. The few times I have tried to begin writing again, I have attempted to walk an impossible line between being honest and hiding my more "radical" self. Recently, I have realized there is no point in remaining in false relationships built upon my pretending to be someone I am not. So, this is also an opportunity for me to be forthright and proud of the woman I am becoming: changing ideals and all.

Plus, I just enjoy writing letters.

Feel free to read over my shoulder as I write people I'd like to talk to.

Peace,
The "entire" Mary Ann